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this entry was originally posted to my reddit profile.

so right now my brain kinda feels like a bunch of sludge sloshing around in my skull so im gonna write a sludgey post about it.. the other day i downloaded a certain dating app, not because i was looking for any connections or even romance or anytbing (ive utterly had my Fill of that), honestly just for the sole purpose of getting compliments. yes, Shallow, i know. since then I've received a bunch of objectifying comments, which is to be expected, im not trying to complain poor me or anything. there's a bunch of you're so beautiful hot etc etc but then the rest just gets really insane. things i couldn't fathom another person ever thinking about me! i want to do this and to you i would let you do this and that and that to me i would pay you ££££$$$$€€€€ blah blah blah and blah. it's really strange to me. at first i felt kinda flattered just by the sheer absurdity of it but it obviously is a very degrading experience. i think to me i have a specifically odd relationship with it because for most of my life i have felt quite invisible and unattractive. i never get a fraction of that attention in Real life, people would never say this stuff to my face, but i can go online and get hundreds of crazy messages from random men. maybe it's not about me, maybe i could literally be anyone and still get the same thing. but that feels kinda dehumanising too, like i feel like im not a person to these people. but yeah i definitely don't feel any better about myself than when i was completely invisible and unattractive to no one. shocker. i know rationally that this is a very empty exchange, and shallow external validation such as this isn't going to help me but that doesn't stop me from seeking it out. it's something I've had to battle with ever since i was a teenager. because i want to feel wanted to an extent. i dont wanna be Sexless. i just want it on my own terms. i think it also probably doesn't help that ive just come out of a sort of half-not-really-but-kinda-it-was-real-to-me-relationship which has left me feeling kinda rubbish. i felt very inferior to person i was with, I perceived them as being more popular and attractive and capable than me which is never something you should feel, that's good for absolutely Noone. they were in my dream, i remember that now. I was in trouble for some reason, i was in London i think the police were trying to get me, big Ben was flashing blue which i didn't know was something it could do. then on the street i ran into this person and i launched into a real emotional impassioned speech at them. i think i was saying something like "before we ever really talked we had seen eachother around a lot. but i really saw you. and you didn't see me. did you ever see me." and then the person I was with was like that's a ridiculous speech so rubbish not deep at all. haha. i don't know. i felt real invisible and small and it was such a big Fucking thing to me that i was able to walk away for once and say i cant do this anymore. i watched the new movie Pillion and i started just sobbing in the theatre because i was so startled by how much it seemed to represent what i was feeling at that time. i just thought "everyone deserves to be loved" and i was finally able to walk away. but since then the dust has absolutely settled and there is no contact and no calling and everyone has moved on with their respective lives. so im back to the status quo and i don't know what to do about it. i don't know