this entry was originally posted to r/clementineiscool.

tw: discussion of a guy being creepy

hi everyone I had a pretty nice day today I got to see my friend who I haven't see since the holidays. and we had such an awesome time hanging out it's good to have friends for sure. we were going to go to our favourite bar just before it opens at 5pm but turns out it was actually closed so we just stood outside and looked at it. and at this hour with the colour of the sky and the lonely bar with the lights off it looked real poetic to me and actually made me kind of emotional. i don't actually go that much but i tend to associate so much community and safety with this bar, attributes that actually really aren't in many places i find. in my mind it's a place that's always open and available, flowing with lights, warmth, people and energy. it's so easy for me to be there, they do dance events and the like but really I just like talking to people in the smoking area. I feel so confident there. but tonight it was closed, a woman leaving the bar with a tiny sausage dog told us it's closed for a few days. but it was okay because the bar just stood there looking wistful at me and I looked back and I felt like I was looking at a painting of the bar. I really can't explain the way it felt any better unfortunately! but It was nice.

so instead we sat at a bench for a bit and had a cigarette, then decided to go to spoons. I got the cheapest drink on the menu, a htot cholate! since woke government regulations u can't do free hot cholate refil but you can get a mug with a galaxy hot collate sachet in it and fill it up with lattee and it's really nice and then afterwards you can just get a regular coffee which is disappointing but it's something. anyways, skint as I am, I was so excited to sit in this warm place for a while and just get coffee refills. £1.89 is a small price to pay for a nice vibe like that. and we were having a nice time clowning About and admiring this fucking amazing paper weight I bought today for an astonishingly low price which nevertheless still bankrupted. me I love this paper weight so much and saw it in the shop but no no I can't buy it don't be ridiculous but I did anyway because it was made for me. it's 2 seals enclosed in a tiny globe, maybe they're lovers or just friends but they'r e so fucking awesome, theyre kind of abstract and alien looking which really appeals to me for obsvious reasons. they are pictured in the photos attatched to this post, taken by my friend

anyway we were having a good time literally just spinning this thing and looking at it from different angles. but turns out there was a really creepy guy sat behind us for a while. I didn't know this because my back was turned but my friend told me that he was staring at us for a long time and making suggestive faces. I went to get another coffee and I got a glimpse of this guy and omg he was actually really creepy like the way he looked at me my blood just ran cold super quick idk i'm never a judgemental person but he did not seem pleasant. and it felt really violating to know that he'd been staring the whole time. I felt all comfortable and happy and it was like immediately drained out of me as soon as I found out I was literally being watched. also didn't help that I was caffeinated! so I got panicky and anxious, and we agreed to leave the spoons and go somewhere else. i hope people can understand where i'm coming from here and don't think im overreacting, it's nnot like me being mean or getting upset for no reason, i have had bad past experiences from people like this before and we both genuinely felt rlly uncomfortable. I was a lil shaken but I thought I was fine until a little later I just started feeling so angry. i'm not an angry person at all, I get really angry like once every few months but omg I felt it then. and being a non angry person I find it incredibly hard to deal with and process when such feelings arise. I felt so destabilised and itchy and uncomfortable and like I wanted to play really loud on a drum kit. but there was no drumkit to hand so I was just upset. I ended up buying an overpriced drink and some chips and then felt a little better. i'm okay now but it just really annoys me how hard it can be to exist as a woman in public spaces sometimes! like the way u can feel at ease somewhere and someone can easily just ruin it for you by making you feel unsafe.

all things considered, the rest of the night was pretty decent and we laughed a lot, it is really good to have friends. the trouble is I started feeling a little manic. I don't know if i'm a manic person but sometimes I feel like it. the rest of the few days has been pretty crazy, everything heightened. I get these massive emotional peaks and then lows right after. I've been trying so hard recently to make a good life for myself and I think I've been doing a decent enough job. I try to take care of myself and love myself, but sometimes I still feel like doing self destructive things. this stupid bar starting playing this awful Volkswagen car advert rock music and at first I hated it obviously but then it started to make me feel like oh I wish I was in a just horrible dive bar getting hit on by a just horrible guy right now. No!! I don't want that!! deserve to be taken care of and treated right ! but it's so tricky. hope someone can understand how I feel. thanks for reading this far.

some musics I listened to for the first time recently and liked they are all so cool and spacey music so eheteral LOVE IT!: Fete de la vanilla and Unmusique by Lucy Bedroque Slide by George Clanton E by Ecco2k Pure Hearts by Quiet Light Blurr by Joanne Robertson