hi! this is like actually my first post on this blog! technically! (the rest Just being archival stuff from the reddit i wanted here 4 continuity and to keep a vague track of me being a person). wow! so much to say but I think instead I'm actually gonna say very little. I'm tired. its 3am. it's well past my bed time. i have been screwing myself up a bit recently. just not resting. there's so much to do. so much to do. i've been so obsessed with this website since i made it last week. it literally never occured to me before, not really. there were a few times where i was like yeah i'd love to make a website for my music but it was like ehhh didn't feel tangible. but i can just.. do this! THAT'S AMAZING!! why didn't anyone tell me this?!?! it's just the way like, if there's something i want to add i can just figure out how to do it and then i DO IT! it feels cool. i would say perhaps i'm learning a bittt of coding. maybe. that's a stretch. i didn't even know coding could be fun!
anyways right now im so obsessed with this thingy and it's kinda all i can talk about to my friends. like. hey. i have a website. did you know.. i have .. a website.. YAS!! but yes at the same time i am sacrificing my health... i've kinda been doing that anyway. ugh it's hard out there. i've had a really rough couple of months for reasons far too complicated to get into here just yet. i'm just trying to remind myself of two things, number one being this isn't permanent and i'm soon just gonna look back on this as a kinda dark period in my life*. 2. i have a reason to be here!! like... i have so much art i want to make. this website. my music. my silly doodles and community. this evil short story that is somewhere inside of me and i need to get it out... loads of stuff. especially the music... that's what it's all about... hahah blah blah blah.
okay. better get ready for bed now :( ... i've had this kinda aversion to sleeping arise again for the first time since i was a young kid.. back then i just was so bored by the idea of sleeping, i think i just wanted to stay up and play and stuff and i had boundless energy (not anymore, lol). but now i think it's kinda an existential thing. idk. like it's always fucked with me like the transition between awake and sleeping. like. when do i fall asleep. at what specific moment. i wish it could be like 3 2 1 i'm asleep. it's so scary! i don't know why. maybe it's like dying. or maybe my weird aversion to it is like my fear of death. i have really fond memories of when i was a kid, on certain nights ( i think weekends?) my mum would put a vhs on for me and my little brother to fall asleep to.. something like monsters inc or the lion king or lilo and stitch < 3 those are super fond memories to me now... i don't have many memories from when i was a kid, especially when i was a young kid, but little fragments like those are so special to me. idk.. i guess i need to find a way to settle down and calm down before bed. i'm just on high alert all the time right now. hopefully i'll figure something out.
this is not to say that i don't have good things going on in my life concurrently.. i really do.. i'm experiencing beauty and love right now. i relish and take great comfort in the people i have in my life, it's really such a privilege. unfortunately it doesn't completely alleviate the badddd stuff. because there's some bad stuff. there's a big foggy hazy evil cloud. but we're not gonna think about that right now. it's bed time.